Sunday, January 11, 2015

Knox's Birth Story

I wish I could explain how nervous I was the day before Knox was born.
I don't think I slept at all that night.

Really I don't think I slept for days before that.
It wasn't just the giving birth part that kept me up all night. I was so unbelievably scared to bring another human into this world.

All I have wanted for almost three years now was to have another Grant.

To have another little person to chase around that looks ridiculously similar to his daddy, but tiny features of my own that, of course, only I recognize.

The day finally came and I had cold feet. Like serious cold feet.
I asked Jay numerous times if we made the right decision to have another baby. I didn't know how it would affect our relationship. I didn't know if I would show Grant less attention. I wasn't sure if bringing a whole new human into this world would completely turn our routine, happy family up side down.

I'm sure these were normal feelings right before something life changing happens.                   
If not, I'll only feel like the worst mother ever.

We went to the hospital at 5:30 AM and checked in. 

The night nurse was absolutely amazing. Actually, every nurse I had at River Oaks was amazing. The only bad experience I had was when a student nurse attempted to start my IV. That was extremely painful.
 But, hey, everyone has to learn.

That makes me think of the first time I started an IV....Terrible...My poor mama...Blood everywhere.

Anywho, when I checked in to the hospital I was already 4cm. They started the pitocin. About 1.5 hours later I was 7 cm. Luckily, I had an epidural soon after I checked in so the only thing I was focused on was Jay.

 I remember I was so mad at him because I was starving and instead of suffering with me, he went to the cafeteria and had the biggest and best breakfast. Then he came back up to the room to his starving, laboring wife and had the nerve to brag about it. Ugh.
He also slept. He slept for the first 2.5 hours.

At about 10:00 I started having extreme pains in the lower left side of my stomach. I buzzed my nurse in and she checked. She decided it was "time to have a baby."
The whole delivery process was quite comical. Jay had the nurses laughing the entire time.
At exactly 10:10 I had this tiny 8lb 10 oz baby sitting on my chest.

The biggest memory I have etched in my mind was Jay's reaction to Knox. I will forever remember the way he turned into goo. 
He used the sweetest tone of voice I have ever heard and said "hey darling" to that sweet baby.

It was the sweetest, proudest moments of my life.
I made/grew that little human that he was/is in complete love with.
I grew our first little human too, but we were both so young at the time. Neither one of us realized when Grant was born how amazing it was to become a parent. Over the last 7 years Grant has shown us what it means to love something unconditionally with absolutely no barriers. He has brought so much happiness into our lives.

So when Knox was born, we both knew how extremely blessed we were.

Jay hogging our baby from me was one of the cutest things I have ever seen. I asked him to return the little human back to me. The nurses sided with Jay and I couldn't move my legs so I just sat and watched him stare at Knox while he held him. 
It only lasted a few minutes before my family came rushing in, but I will always remember the way he looked at Knox that first day.

The next few days went by extremely fast. All I remember is not being able to sleep in the hospital. I stayed up most of the night thinking about how thankful I was for Jay, Grant and Knox.

When we made it home, I was fully prepared to handle the baby blues. I knew it was coming. I prepared Jay for the worst just in case. I knew I was going to have it because I get the blues after holidays and after vacations and after birthday parties. I could only imagine what they would be like after having Knox.

I never got them though. I was so thankful and excited for everything we have and everything to come. I only cried once when we first made it home.
I sat in the rocking chair holding my smallest baby and cried. I didn't really feel sad. I just felt like Knox wasn't close enough. I was holding the precious little boy that I have had with me for the last 9 months, but I still felt like it wasn't enough.
I don't think I put him down for the whole first month.

He's so perfect. Absolutely perfect.

He is almost two months old now. I can't remember life without him. It's hard to picture him not there just a couple of months ago. It feels like he's always been with us. Like we've always known him.
Every fear I had the days leading up to the delivery are gone.
Knox fits perfectly into our family. I can't help but stare at him throughout the day. I'm so proud of him.
Sometimes before we tuck Grant in bed, we'll all just look at him and watch his little facial expressions while he sleeps.

It's a beautiful thing to see.
It's crazy to read back to my first blog post a little over a year ago. I was so persistent and had so much hope on getting pregnant. I am so glad for every step and decision we made along the way that brought my Knox into the world.
I'm so thankful for both of my boys. I feel so complete now.

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