Oh, the things that run through your mind when you're home alone. 

I can't imagine the excitement we would feel if we ever found out we were actually pregnant. 

I've thought about how I would tell my mama...and what my daddy would say 

if I was to have another little football player.

I thought about how Jay would react. I want so bad to give him something like that. I want so bad to make a tiny human for him. Something that would make him so proud. Something that I am able to do that would bring so much more happiness into his life. 

 It's something only I can give him.

After thinking about this for a while, I realized how far out of our reach it is. At least, after almost two years of waiting, that is exactly how it feels.

We know how much we can love a child. We know how much a baby growing inside of me would mean to us. It seems so unreal...So impossible and so unreachable right now.

 I cannot imagine the amount of love we would have for this child that is not even here and actually may not ever be here.

Every time I feel like giving up, I picture this little girl... a little me... spinning in circles with a dress on. 

I feel like we would be letting her down and I cannot get this image out of my head.

I feel like I would be letting down a little superhero... A little human just like Grant. A little boy running around with a Batman cape that looks just like my little man.

Every time I think about giving up, I see these images. 

At times, it feels like they haunt me.

I think about putting lipstick on my little girl. 

I think about curling her hair and having shopping days together.

 I want so bad to see how Jay would act with her. I know he would be an amazing and overly cautious Daddy to his daughter.

I want so bad to give her everything she wants and she's not even here.

I think about searching Amazon and countless other websites again for a little boy who is dying to have a red Batman costume...which, by the way, I was never able to find.
I think about the little man that says "You're my best friend in the whole weerld, Mom." 

 I want that again so bad.

If I was to ever have a little girl, I would name her Lila Jay after her daddy.

I imagine she would look something like this:

She would probably make faces like this:

I would dress her just like this:

We would have shopping days that looked similar to this:

And she would probably be crazy about her daddy just like this:

Now, if I had a boy...

I imagine he would look like this:

He would make expressions like this:

He would dress himself like this:

His smile would look similar to this:

I imagine his best buds would look like this:

Out of all the women in the world, all of the unfit mothers, why am I the one that has to suffer through infertility? 

It is so hard not to judge or get mad at the moms who are on drugs/abuse their kids.
It is so hard.

 So unbelievably hard.

I feel so defeated sometimes.

If I didn't have these images of this little girl wearing a dress spinning in my living room and if I didn't have these images of a little boy wearing Batman costumes, it would be so much easier to give up and move on.

I could focus on going higher in my degree. I could focus on things I want to do. 

But I can't give up and I won't. 

So for now, I'll keep holding my head up.

 I'll keep being thankful for my blessing I was given at such a young age.
I realize now how exactly BIG of a blessing that sweet baby was and still is.

I won't give up on Lila.

We'll keep trying.

 We'll keep spending money on something that so many people take for granted.

When the time finally comes for our new baby, I'll know just how much of a blessing it will be.

 I'll know because I've cried for that baby a hundred nights and
I'll know because I've prayed for it a million nights.

P.S. If anyone has a child that they would like to get rid of...Hit me up! I'll take it:)!
Preferably a well behaved, sweet child :D

Fun Facts!

In lieu of Valentines Day I have decided to blog on "fun facts" about Jay and I:D I'm avoiding all things mushey due to having to take a cold shower after he used all of the hot water for his 3 hour shower this morning. Jay will be thrilled to know that I am telling all of his secrets.

Fun facts about Deadly Ninja and myself:

1- When I first met Jay he was 15 and I was 11. My parents were thrilled. I actually started "dating", if you will, his little brother first. Jay, of course, being head over heels for a girl just turning 11 decided to record his brother on a tape recorder saying "I like Kylie AND Lauren, but don't tell Kylie." That's how Jay and I became:) He will deny this story to his death, but it is in fact, the truth.

2- Jay is so very cheap. I mean like he could easily be on the show "Extreme Cheapskates." He once made a dog kennel out of a tupperware container. He cut windows on the side and all. He saved a whole $20. Way to go Jay. Proof:

3- My daddy has always had Grant spend the night one night every other weekend. On those nights, we go on a date. Ever since Jay could drive our dates have consisted of the following:

Chic-fil-a (Re-read fun fact # 2)

Shopping

Cold Stone Ice Cream

Home

I really wouldn't have this any other way. It feels like a wasted night if we don't go shopping and to get ice cream on our date. I may occasionally get him to stay up long enough to see a movie also.

4- I can't cook. It's a well known, proven fact. I've caught the stove on fire twice. I've tried to boil water in a glass bowl. I've tried to bake in what looked like a very convincing glass bowl. It was, in fact, a plastic bowl. I've added a cup of salt when I should have added a teaspoon. Jay says my fried chicken is still breathing when I serve it. I've added whip cream to a "gourmet" shrimp meal when I was supposed to add whipping cream (Who knew there was a difference??). I've added two cans of icing to a cake due to the icing "disappearing." Turns out, you're supposed to let the cake cool before applying the icing. Those are just the highlights. There are many more I have done on my own with no witnesses present. These are just the ones Jay refuses to let me live down.

5- Jay has a block head. I don't know why, but it's almost a perfect square.

6- For the last 4 years Jay has been extremely jealous of my German Shepherd. It could be because I would save Tuff from a burning building first and then go back and get Jay, but I can't be positive. 

7- Jay taught me how to drive. He also "taught" me how to drive a stick shift. He left out the fact that you have to pull the emergency break before the vehicle will stop if you want to leave it running idle. I taught myself that one. After seeing a stray dog on the road, I stopped to pick it up (If you know me, you know I collect animals). When I turned around, I saw his truck rolling down the road. I chased after it for a good 100 yards. Jay was in his front yard to see the whole thing go down. I never drove that truck again. Well, I actually was never allowed to drive that truck again.

8- Funniest thing ever is when Jay is laying down and I jerk his pillow from under his head and throw it across the room. He has to get up to get it. This will happen 4 times in a row before he thinks to hold on to his pillow.

9- Jay drives so careful it's dangerous. He calls me "White Lightening" because of how fast I drive in my white car. I don't actually drive that fast. He is just an 80 year old trapped in a 28 year old's body.

10- We are very competitive with each other. We take IQ test almost weekly. Of course, I always win. He likes to dispute all of my knowledge and fun facts I throw out, but after I challenge him by googling it, he'll back down. 

11- Jay hates shooting fireworks with me. On numerous holidays I have been known to chase him down the road with a Roman Candle. I've only actually shot him once, but not because I haven't really tried. He's just really fast.

12- I call Jay "Deadly Ninja" because he takes karate Jiu Jitsu. I'm not allowed to watch him in class because sometimes I accidentally pull out my phone and take pictures of the weird positions those guys get themselves in. It's my entertainment. I would have pictures of this, but the few times I was allowed to stay in his class he confiscated my phone.

13- I've mentioned before we have been working on baby #2 for almost two years now. One month, I took a pregnancy test at 3:00 AM. Of course, it was negative. Blah. Anyway, when I woke up a few hours later and glanced over at the test. It was POSITIVE!!!! My heart jumped out of my chest. Upon closer inspection, my *%$#& of a husband, drew an extra pink line with a marker on the test before I woke up.

14- Jay laughs when I get mad. He has always had a bad habit of doing this. I mean when I am really, really mad, he just laughs. I may or may not have thrown a remote at him a few times. 

15- Jay likes to run around in super hero costumes. I don't mind it. I think it's funny. 

16- Last but not least, back in May of 2011, the day some man said the world was supposed end. I was scared to death of the unknown. I know the Bible says no one will know, but I was still scared. Unfortunately, Jay knew this. Anyway, I woke up on May 21 only to find my husbands clothes laid out on the bed as if the rapture had happened. Scared.Me.To.Death. Needless to say, he can be a jerk sometimes.

　

I could go on and on with these "fun facts." Jay never ceases to amaze me with his wittiness. He can come up with a comeback before I even finish my sentence. It's something I love about him...sometimes. He brings out the best in me and at times can bring out the worst (re-read #14). We've had our ups and downs through our almost 14 years together, but I can say that I've honestly never been happier with him than I am now. Each year seems to get better. I know I said I wouldn't get mushy, but let it be known we still get ridiculously excited on our date nights. I still can't wait for him to get home in the afternoons and I would still choose him if I ever had the chance to do it over.