Oh, the things that run through your mind when you're home alone. 

I can't imagine the excitement we would feel if we ever found out we were actually pregnant. 

I've thought about how I would tell my mama...and what my daddy would say 

if I was to have another little football player.

I thought about how Jay would react. I want so bad to give him something like that. I want so bad to make a tiny human for him. Something that would make him so proud. Something that I am able to do that would bring so much more happiness into his life. 

 It's something only I can give him.

After thinking about this for a while, I realized how far out of our reach it is. At least, after almost two years of waiting, that is exactly how it feels.

We know how much we can love a child. We know how much a baby growing inside of me would mean to us. It seems so unreal...So impossible and so unreachable right now.

 I cannot imagine the amount of love we would have for this child that is not even here and actually may not ever be here.

Every time I feel like giving up, I picture this little girl... a little me... spinning in circles with a dress on. 

I feel like we would be letting her down and I cannot get this image out of my head.

I feel like I would be letting down a little superhero... A little human just like Grant. A little boy running around with a Batman cape that looks just like my little man.

Every time I think about giving up, I see these images. 

At times, it feels like they haunt me.

I think about putting lipstick on my little girl. 

I think about curling her hair and having shopping days together.

 I want so bad to see how Jay would act with her. I know he would be an amazing and overly cautious Daddy to his daughter.

I want so bad to give her everything she wants and she's not even here.

I think about searching Amazon and countless other websites again for a little boy who is dying to have a red Batman costume...which, by the way, I was never able to find.
I think about the little man that says "You're my best friend in the whole weerld, Mom." 

 I want that again so bad.

If I was to ever have a little girl, I would name her Lila Jay after her daddy.

I imagine she would look something like this:

She would probably make faces like this:

I would dress her just like this:

We would have shopping days that looked similar to this:

And she would probably be crazy about her daddy just like this:

Now, if I had a boy...

I imagine he would look like this:

He would make expressions like this:

He would dress himself like this:

His smile would look similar to this:

I imagine his best buds would look like this:

Out of all the women in the world, all of the unfit mothers, why am I the one that has to suffer through infertility? 

It is so hard not to judge or get mad at the moms who are on drugs/abuse their kids.
It is so hard.

 So unbelievably hard.

I feel so defeated sometimes.

If I didn't have these images of this little girl wearing a dress spinning in my living room and if I didn't have these images of a little boy wearing Batman costumes, it would be so much easier to give up and move on.

I could focus on going higher in my degree. I could focus on things I want to do. 

But I can't give up and I won't. 

So for now, I'll keep holding my head up.

 I'll keep being thankful for my blessing I was given at such a young age.
I realize now how exactly BIG of a blessing that sweet baby was and still is.

I won't give up on Lila.

We'll keep trying.

 We'll keep spending money on something that so many people take for granted.

When the time finally comes for our new baby, I'll know just how much of a blessing it will be.

 I'll know because I've cried for that baby a hundred nights and
I'll know because I've prayed for it a million nights.

P.S. If anyone has a child that they would like to get rid of...Hit me up! I'll take it:)!
Preferably a well behaved, sweet child :D